- Draft
Written Dec 16, 2011 5:21pm by Amber Gannon Medina
Before I became a mom I didn't know if I would have the patience. Even the thought of having to sit with Mira and rock her back to sleep filled me with trepidation. I am the lady who putters around! When I am watching tv I fold clothes! When I eat meals I surf the net! When I take showers I brush my teeth! You get the idea....I only know how to multi task.
I would like to say that after this experience I am transformed. How I have been bestowed with the gift of patience after this long drawn out recuperation. It's awful to admit but every day I come to visit Mira, I struggle with the stillness I find in her room. I fold her clothes, I take pictures and videos, I put socks on her and rearrange her stuffed animals-anything to distract myself. Because sometimes when I am left to sit and think about how I feel, I look at my little Mira and remember all she has already gone through and I just feel awful. Broken hearted, scared and wishing I could DO something to help.
Maybe that is where my lesson lies (because I NEED a lesson here guys. Why else would god choose me for this, there has to be something I need to figure out. At least that is what I am hoping). The more I run around and busy myself, the more I am lying to myself about this entire ordeal. And I know bad things happen when I lie to myself. I don't believe folding socks is an awful way to pastime at Mira's, but my inability to sit with Mira, in stillness, love and tenderness is robbing me of an honest experience.
So on top of attempting to just let myself "be", I also see that I am forced to allow Mira to choose her own path through her life (will this be good practice for when she chooses to elope with the wrong guy and not go to college and I have to let her?). Every step of the way, she has thrown us for a curve.
I would like to say that after this experience I am transformed. How I have been bestowed with the gift of patience after this long drawn out recuperation. It's awful to admit but every day I come to visit Mira, I struggle with the stillness I find in her room. I fold her clothes, I take pictures and videos, I put socks on her and rearrange her stuffed animals-anything to distract myself. Because sometimes when I am left to sit and think about how I feel, I look at my little Mira and remember all she has already gone through and I just feel awful. Broken hearted, scared and wishing I could DO something to help.
Maybe that is where my lesson lies (because I NEED a lesson here guys. Why else would god choose me for this, there has to be something I need to figure out. At least that is what I am hoping). The more I run around and busy myself, the more I am lying to myself about this entire ordeal. And I know bad things happen when I lie to myself. I don't believe folding socks is an awful way to pastime at Mira's, but my inability to sit with Mira, in stillness, love and tenderness is robbing me of an honest experience.
So on top of attempting to just let myself "be", I also see that I am forced to allow Mira to choose her own path through her life (will this be good practice for when she chooses to elope with the wrong guy and not go to college and I have to let her?). Every step of the way, she has thrown us for a curve.
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