Normal

Normal

Written Apr 28, 2012 6:37pm by Amber Gannon Medina

I can't believe a baby can hurt my feelings. I have a pretty tough hide but somehow a tiny little person can crack right through it and leave me feeling like I am 10 years old again and a mean girl on the playground called me fat.

Mira is doing so well. She has all her chest tubes out. She is very near to being weaned off her methadone. She is playing and smiling all day. Her oxygen SATS are looking good (even got up to 89 today! That's a record!). Mira (and us) are finally getting a reprieve. Big sigh.

As Mira gets better I find myself feeling like the lines are blurred between everyday problems a "normal" mom would be encountering and the hopped up emotions a mom with a baby in the ICU for 6 months is feeling. As Mira starts to get better, I feel like I don't know which one I am, until I realize maybe I am both....and that in a way, I feel like it's a situation that calls for some major adapting on my part. 

The episode that brought this to a head happened today. John was playing with Mira and she was the poster child for Ms. Happy baby. Feeling caught up in the moment, I came close to her with the intention of planting a big kiss on her cheek. Instant and Total melt down. My attempts to soothe her didn't work and feeling emotional and useless, I left to go to the bathroom. I took it way too personally.

I wonder if other mothers have had similar experiences, and I imagine they do. It's just that I already feel like I am a wet raw piece of meat with every emotion just hanging out there for everyone to see. 

I am starting to see that I might be better at handling the tough stuff. Surgeries, procedures, keeping track of Mira's medications and learning about different aspects of her condition and treatment. Handling the feeling like I am doing everything wrong is a new emotion and I cant say I like it very much.

My new mantra when I feel like this is-Mira doesn't need a mom who takes things personally (especially from a 7 month old), she needs a mom who comes back to her crib and listens to what Mira wants. And that seems like the trick -figuring out who Mira is and what she wants and needs.

It's been such a horrible roller coaster-we have been in survival mode for so long that it's been impossible to SEE Mira. She's been hidden from us with wires and tubes and drugs. Her spirit and personality are coming out in full force and I have to say its going to take some patience, reverence and thick skin to let her just be. The funny thing is that the parts of her that haphazardly sting me, are the ones I've had a hard time dealing with in my self. 

And that IS the normal part, isn't it? Sometimes kids bring out in you the very things you've been trying to hide for your whole life. I look forward to finally embracing my whole self along with allowing Mira's unadulterated spirit to soar.

Most of all I welcome these "normal" problems-what a blessing it is to worry about this instead of the horribly serious issues we have been struggling through. Amen!