Why Can't I be Like you?

Why can't I be like you!

Written Feb 1, 2012 8:54am by Amber Gannon Medina

This morning I've been lazy...Sitting on our couch reading "Marriage Confessions",one of my favorite blogs. Somehow I was taken to the bloggers photo sharing website and I start looking at pictures of her son at an amusement park, and then I thought wow she looks great for having had a baby 10 months ago, I wonder what she looked like three months after she had the baby...And then I turn into one of those stalkers that forgets she doesn't know the bloggers whose websites she reads, that really they are friends and she is just reading about her friend's LABOR and DELIVERY. Because, Yes, I did happen upon pictures of this woman's labor, delivery, trip home from the hospital...all of it.

And the same thing happens to me anytime I read or hear about someone's "normal" birthing experience. I get really sad. I wonder if it will always feel like I am mourning over an experience I didn't get to have....

We missed out on a worry free pregnancy by discovering Mira had her heart disorder at our 20 week ultrasound. I spent half my pregnancy trying to WILL Mira into being healthy-laying only on my left side so she could get all the blood flow possible, juicing myself disgusting drinks, attempting to talk her into growing her left ventricle (I am your MOTHER, you will do what I say...OK, maybe you respond better to sweet talk-Miraaaaa, if you get better I will buy you a pony!!). But needless to say, when I was shopping for clothes and cute bouncy chairs, I was also terrified my daughter wouldn't be using them and feeling helpless to do anything about it.

I am so happy I was able to have the labor and delivery I wanted. We were able to stay at home for the majority of it, and do the whole thing au natural. However, once Mira was born any control I had over any of it was taken away. I was able to hold her for about a minute before she was carted away to the NICU....I got myself up and moving within an hour of giving birth so I could go see her and hold her again, but even in that short amount of time they had hooked her up to so many precarious lines and wires I was only able to look on as she cried and struggled. It was awful, and I felt so helpless.....

Of course, the other part of the whole experience-taking her home-I feel sad about missing out on is still something to look forward to. I know there are tons of mothers out there who end up not having the experience they had hoped for-many want natural births and they end up having C-sections. Many want that blissful time with their babies once they come home but suffer from Postpartum Depression. I wanted this to be solely a joyful time, and its been largely a stressful, sad and painful one. 

I know it could be worse-it always can! Mira is here and has actually been (for her) healthy and fairly happy. Its a blessing to have her here and to watch her start experiencing life. I am slowly trying to let go of "what could have been" and embrace what is. I think that will be a lifelong lesson for me, and its no easy feat. But when I suddenly fall into step and feel that "in the moment" way of living, it feels so much better-calm, content, and unburdened.